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The New Tunnel Religion

I'm starting a new religion based on tunnels.

Since we are born through a Tunnel, and since before death, we see the light at the end of the Tunnel, it only seems logical for the Tunnel to spearhead a religion. They are plentiful. They are a symbol of our ephemeral nature.

So, to partake in the religion, it is important to treat the Tunnel with respect, nay, reverence. Before entering it, like how you should enter a cave, or a car, you should get down on your hands and knees and crawl in, chanting:

"The Tunnel is great,
the Tunnel is good,
it decides my fate,
and my mood,"

the whole time. Once you have entered the nurturing shadows, and the concrete walls are enfolding in on you like a comforting blanket, you may stop the chanting and stand up and have a look around.

Take time to look around. Notice the lights, the floor, the walls. Is there graffiti? The Tunnel is all good, and ever encompassing. Your Journey through the Tunnel won't last long. Have fun. Jump around. Listen to the echo. Shout your name. The Tunnel won't mind. The Tunnel will only smile, after all, what is a tunnel if not an upside down smile? Can you do back flips? Go ahead and do a back flip if you can. Run around. Your journey is short. Better make the best of it.

If you are heading in the direction of North to Northeast, then the tunnel is a dying Tunnel, and upon exiting, you will be obliged to fake your own death. Get creative! Pretend you've been poisoned, or stabbed. Or maybe you will die of old age? Whatever! Just pretend to die. Therein lies the healing.

If you are heading South to West, then it is a birthing Tunnel, and just as you pretended to die in the North East Tunnels, so also you should pretend to be born. Get into it! The Tunnel has seen all. The Tunnel is pure love. Go ahead and cry. Do it. Therein lies the wonder.

After you have either been born again, or died (again) it is time to do the funny walk. The funny walk is sign that you can walk, and that everything is fine -- in fact, everything is more than fine. Go ahead, swing those arms, sway those hips. You can walk! Everything is fine!

And then you can be on your way.

Religion in the city! Religion while you are walking! Group activity, sole activity. The New Tunnel Religion is the future!

Get out there, friends. From now on everything is new.


Asylum Dolly said...

Brilliant! I pling thee with reverence sir Jorg! Never again shall any tunnel go unworshipped by this humble peasant.

I'm looking forward to pretending I died from a freak otter attack. I'm also excitedly anticipating my miraculous rebirth, which will be complete with a holy funny walk which goes something like this: Hop on one leg for 3 hops; change legs; crouch down as if shitting in the gutter and crawl backwards for 5 steps, all the while chanting " Otters have at thee!" ; repeat hopping; curtsy to onlookers. Continue day as normal.

John Dantzer said...

Yes! My first convert. Good, I would have never thought of otter attack, even though they are quite vicious despite their cute exterior. And your funny walk seems exemplary. Once the ceremony is complete you will fell like a new person. Please remember to donate to the United Engineers for the Betterment of Peoples Everywhere.

dogimo said...

I wouldn't call myself a convert per se, but as a pan-ecumenical enthusiast I can certainly appreciate what a powerful symbol you've hit upon here, dude. I'm shocked that the tunnel as a symbol of religious faith and a metaphor for a mindful and directed spiritual journey through life has not been mined thoroughly already, down through the ages! It's a blockbuster in terms of sheer iconic potential.

Have you given thought to how best to represent it graphically as a two-dimensional sigil? The importance of a powerful logo can not be underestimated. I know that from the standpoint of the otherworldly visionary who first glimpses truth, such concerns can seem crass, unworthy of consideration. But if it is truth one serves, one must take note of all available means, and do one's best to do the best that can be done with all of them.

To the tunnel! Cheers.

John Dantzer said...

Thanks, Dogimo. I've been thinking of my sigil, and have formed an image in my mind, but it can't be made proper until I've my hands on a plasma cutter and some welding equipment, yar. I'll notify you when it is complete.

dogimo said...

Please do! I look forward to it!

Remember, those of all the top religions are capable of a lot of variation/simplification/elaboration, all while remaining boldly identifiable as what they are. The magen david, the cross, the! The tunnel fits right in there! Sounds a natural!

Looking forward to what you come up with.