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There are webs in my closet.  The spider bites my feet and drinks my blood.  Bloods liquidiciousness does not matter.  There is iron in it, and other nutrients, which the spider uses in her own body to survive. 

I eat bagels.  I buy them at the grocery store.  I walk there because I think it's safer than driving, and it is also healthier.  I use the money I earn to pay for bagels.  I don't cast nets in the street.  I don't climb trees and wait for birds to fly in my nets.  I don't bite other people.  I'm not a vampire.  I have processed the bagel, by and by, into blood.  I need blood to survive.  That doesn't mean I can bite people.  I have my manners, and even if I did bite someone, I would probably go to jail, or get fined, then I would be eating prison food, and there would probably be more spiders in my cell in prison, and there might also be a big hairy man who likes anal sex. 

The spider does not go near my bunghole, I don't think it does anyway.  I'm usually asleep for her visits.  She gets under the sheets with me, opens up her mouth real wide, as though she may be yawning, and her hypodermic fangs show, and leak a little of their venom, and she raises her eyebrows, and flares her nostrils, and digs in. 

The venom is not strong enough to take me out, but it numbs the bite area, which makes her that much more stealthy.  After having had her fill, she goes wherever she wants to in the world, in her net somewhere, in the closet maybe, or in the bathroom, maybe she needs some water, so she gets some.  She can do anything she wants to.  She'll go to her net in her own good time, and basically become catatonic, moving only to not die, or to elevate her heart rate just enough to get blood, MY BLOOD! into the little places at the end of her spider legs. 

So, when I saw her there on the mirror, crawling, and jiggling down on her web, I made squish.  I cannot kill all the spiders in the world, and I don't want to, but if spiders were to get as big and as smart as velociraptors, I would probably want them dead, because then my survival would be jeopardized.  That's why we shouldn't blame those old pioneers, or whomever, who killed all the wolves and bears on the prairies.  We can take issue with the men who killed all the buffalo for fun, but killing buffalo is a whole different post altogether. 

1 comment:

Jules said...

Spiders. Do. Not. Belong. Inside.


I applaud the squish. But now I feel guilty for saying that.