Online Portfolio

Candy Cakes

"How do you like your Ho-Hos?"

"I usually like them tied up. It's o.k. if they're a bit dirty, actually, sometimes it's better. And if I can get them to scream, just a bit, that's good too. Just a bit of screaming to ring around the room, it really sets the mood. I prefer Latinos but it's also o.k. if they are Asian."

"...um... I was talking about the cylindrical, frosted, cream filled cakes. You have turned the thought of something sweet and delightful into a horror movie, you sick bastard." (Set's down clipboard, picks up a tissue from the box. Starts crying.)

"Oh, sorry. I had no idea. Let me answer again. I haven't eaten too many Ho-Hos, but when I have I usually like to lick the outside first a couple times, you know, to get the full extent of the flavour, you know, to not waste one ounce of sweetness. After I've given it a good licking, after I've gotten a taste for the thing, I get a bit wild and just go ahead and shove the whole thing in my mouth in one bite and gnash and gnash and let the sensuous cream fill my mouth in sporadic spurts sending me on thrilling highs. When the last of the goo has made it's way down my throat I usually thank the heavens. I find a napkin and wipe up a bit, and then usually I like to masturbate after. Just have a good ol' wank right there. Just whip 'er out and make groan. If I've played my cards right, and if I have enough money, usually there is a tied up prostitute to cum on." (Winks at the interviewer. Tries engaging him in knowing laughter. The interviewer, meanwhile, has stopped crying and is staring on in awestruck horror.)

"How did an interview about candy turn into the relating of your debaucheries? How could this have turned so bad? Four years at journalism school and this is the extent of my interviews! Let's see if we can turn this interview around. Here's another question, hopefully without any sexual innuendoes. How do you like your Ding Dongs?"

"That's a good question. Who says your education was a waste of time! (laughs.) The obvious answer to that is lubed. No way Mr. Unlubed is going in my back door. But if you're just talking about playtime I like them wrapped up in bows and sometimes, if I'm in the mood, I attach heavy objects to them with string or other fasteners and just watch them dangle."

(Incredulous) "I was talking about the chocolate cake with flat top and bottom, about three inches high, with a white creamy filling in it's center and a thin glaze of chocolate that surrounds it!"

"Three inches, eh?" (Stiffles laughter.)

"You sick man. A perfectly innocent question you ruin. Two questions ruined. Two out of two. You should check yourself in, you know that..."

(Interrupting) "Hey, listen. I'm sorry. It's not all my fault though, you should be a bit clearer. Besides, who interviews someone about candy cakes? That's pretty weird itself. Let me try answering your Ding Dong question again, this time knowing what your talking about. Let me start off by saying that there's nothing I like better than a round top and a flat bottom..."

(Interrupting) "No. O.k. This interview is over. I try to have a serious candy investigation and this is what I get. Thanks a lot. Thanks for ruining my day and the next four hours."

"Hey! We didn't even get to the part where I cum in the center! Come on!"

"No." (Interviewer exit).


3 comments:

sybil law said...

Mmmmm - Ho Hos and Ding Dongs...

Asylum Dolly said...

hahahahahahaaa!!! This is brilliant. I LOL'ed. I would love to see this acted out as a skit. How i wish i was still in drama class!
Ho ho's and ding dongs? You guys have some way sexual sounding cakes over there. All that talk of tying up and licking was getting me a bit worked up.
But seriously, this is funny shit! Nice work!

John Dantzer said...

Once again I thought I had over stepped some decency bounds. I am glad you like it. It's good to know other people share my sense of humour.