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Pig and Goat

The phone rang.  He woke up screaming: "Batman cornflakes tangerine eyed bat mongrel!"

The phone rang again.  He realized his mistake of confusing the telephone with batman and cornflakes and all manner of things.  

"Hello?" 

 It was his LandLord.

"Still sleeping, eh, pig."  

"Pig?"

"Don't lie to me."  She owned two dogs.

"I'm no pig, goat."  

"Don't goat me." 
"I'll goat who I want.  What do you want?"

"You owe me thirty thousand dollars."

"Get bent.  I owe you nothing."

"You owe me your soul."  And she made sucking sounds.

"Have you been eating jellybeans again, goat?  Stop with the sounds.  I'll blow this place up."

"I'll blow your penis up, pig, with my explosive vagina."

He puked at this rebuttal.  He puked everything from yesterdays dinner, to last weeks dessert.  "Why haven't you been digested!" He screamed and pounded the puke with a shoe.

"Stop that," said the telephone.

"Oh, right," he remembered and picked it up.

"Thirty large, piggy, pig."

Whereupon he hung up.  "No ol lady getting the best of me.  I have projects, plans!  I needs all the monies I can get."

The doorbell rang.  He remembered the last time it rang some weeks before and panicked.  

"Not Earl the giant blue, cussing mouse agian!  Please no no no!  Not him!  Anything but him!"  

And in his bed sheets he hid.  The door rang again.  It snapped him from his delusions.

  "A giant, purple fuzzy mouse named Earl, well that's just mad."  And he laughed a bit at his madness.  

He grabbed a cigarette on the way to the door, forgetting to put on his underoos.  He opened the door, and the light that was once a crack beneath bombarded him with death brightness.  

"I'm blind!  I'm blind!  O! the humanity!"  

He fell to his knees and patted the floor with his hands in search for something, anything, that would remind him of his once blessed vision.  

"Shut-up, piggy, pig. Where's my money?"

 As it turns out his eyes were just closed.  

Hearing that voice, the godforsaken voice, resulted in the snapping open of his eyes and nearly a heart attack.  He smelt the two foul smelling dogs.  Quickly he took the cigarette from his mouth and burnt it into the fat woman's leg causing a rumbling scream.  The dogs whimpered.  The man headed back into the darkness.  The fat woman's giant fat leg prevented the door from closing, and in she stepped roaring.  

Since the man was naked, and it was hot out, and she was feeling frisky, she too shed her clothes.  She made quite the racket while doing so, as if she was being transformed into some freak alien beast.  And that description wasn't too far off, friends. A beast it was.  A sumo beast.  

"Get in my belly!"  She yelled, and farted, and believe it or not, when she did, it propelled her three or four inches off the ground.  The dogs once again whimpered and tried to escape, but they were attached to the house.  The beast let loose another scream and peered into the darkness.  

There wasn't many places he could hide, and from panic simply quivered in the corner covering his privates and nipples with his hands.  

The woman advanced and with each step the floor rumbled. 

 "Piggy, piggy.  Mama's hungry.  Where's my lunch?"  

In a fit of bitch the man started screaming and threw every available thing that was on his shelf at the woman.  The toe nail clippers, the sacred voodoo dolls, the trolls, the sombrero.  Everything at reach he threw, and everything hit her and bounced way off, Way off!  Into the trees outside.  The man was useless.  He was crying.  It was time for him to pay his rent, so to speak.  Curiously enough, like every week, he found himself hard - his member straining.  Tears streamed down his cheeks.  He got into the position.  

"That's my piggy pig, that's a good boy."  Her footsteps drew nearer and with much huffing and puffing and a few failed attempts, she mounted and rode our poor cowboy into fat giant vagina bliss.  He tried forgetting the smells and the squishing and sucking sounds.  He tried to forget her moans and the sweat dripping onto him.  But he couldn't forget her tongue in his ear.  He fell into and out of consciousness.  Eventually she dismounted, ambled to the door and put her clothes on.  She farted him good bye, which caused the shutters to fly open.  

"Another Sunday ruined," he said to himself after he had finished puking.  "I'm going homeless."

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