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New Roommate

I’m looking for a new roommate. My current roommate has given his one month notice, because we are not compatible. He is a notorious gamer and is disrespectful of my ears, especially in the evenings when I’m trying to connect to the universe. I have held interviews for my next roommate. There were three responses on my facebook announcement. The first one I interviewed was an activist for the Palestinians, and also a vegetarian. I have interests in neither. I also have troubles meeting people but hopefully that will change. Maybe I’ll join the activists. I’d like to cook a dinner with my roommate once in a while. It could be so fun.

The ants are horrible in my place. I use RAID to kill them, which they foolishly mistake as food and carry back to the hive for the queen to eat. I also use a Swiffer sweeper to sweep since dirt clings to the particular brand. I told the interviewee that I don’t mind sharing my butter or margarine. I will not share milk. Sometimes I drink a lot of milk, sometimes I don’t. If I have an inkling for milk, motherfuckers, I’ll satisfy it. I also told her of my tendencies to binge drink after watching an especially touching movie. Like that one time I drank my wine, and then drank the remaining of my roommates without asking him, but I bought him more, so I think it was o.k.. 

 The room the interviewee will be getting is smaller than mine, and the walls are incredibly thin. We will be living above a family, who, although considerate, tend to pump gansta rap. It’s o.k., though, I told her, they are still considerate of noise in the evenings. They respect my meditations. I told her I don’t have many friends, and that I’m a bit crazy. She seemed to understand, but her eyes darted to her watch. I have no couch. I eat on my bed. No one will be knocking on my door. Sorry for all the information, but I need a roommate, and my admissions will probably be conducive to our compatibility. 

I’d actually prefer no roommates, but stuffed bears filling all the spaces. They wouldn’t mind if I stepped on them, since they are fabric and stuffing, but I’d try not to anyway, since I have something I like to call respect. Oh, and I’m anal. I hate floor crumbs, and the bathroom will be cleaned once a week, a task which we will share. I used to be a maid, so I know all about cleaning. My standards are higher than most peoples. Have you been a chamber maid, if not you couldn’t understand. 

Hopefully my new roommate likes movies. I hate spiders. One week I saw about five. Everywhere I goddamned looked there was a spider. And since my roommate was sleeping I had to kill them myself. After having a gamer for a roommate, I have come to hate them. The one I interviewed told me she couldn’t live in her designated room because she was afraid of the rat living there. I told her I could poison it, but I think it was more than the rat bothering her, I think it was me. I have a broken heart. I’d drink solitude like my various alcohols if I could afford it. I’ll probably end up going with the third choice from my facebook announcement. He is a gamer. I predict incompatibility.


sybil law said...

Nooooo! No gamers!!! They also tend to be sloppy. UGH!!

Best of luck. I think the stuffed bears are your best bet.

Asylum Dolly said...

I feel for you!
Reading this reminded me of how happy i am not to be doing the shared living thing anymore. It is HELL.
Not that i was ever a great housemate...i am messy, and moody. Although i did restrict the mess to my room. Come to think of it, i tried to do the same with the Moods, but that just comes across as being antisocial. But i fucking hate meaningless chit chat on the couch about how wasted everyone was the night before, or who is the hottest cast member of *insert shitty sitcom here* or how the rain is getting annoying, blah blah blah.
If friends are the Family we choose for ourselves, housemates are the friends who are not really friends but are forced to be because we need to pay the rent.It's kinda like mutual prostituation...but without the sex (unless you're lucky).
I was probably a shitty housemate.
However, i am known amonst those close to me as "Spider Angel". That is a lie- nobody calls me that, but i am great with spiders. Many an ex flatmate, and even ex boyfriends were heavily dependant on my calmness and efficiency with the spidies. Nobody can work a glass and a piece of cardboard like i can. I will try my best to telepathically send you some of my spider power, or "Arachnilove", as i like to call it.

I hope the nightmarish housemate hunt is concluded soon, and that whoever ends up there is very stuffed bear like. Good luck!!!!!

JMH said...

I had a roommate once. It was a guy with a blond afro. He was very pale and slept all day and did not ever go out. All his meals were delivered, and oddly enough, his girlfriend too. This was before widespread Internet, so I've no idea how he met her. Maybe they met in a dream and he said, "Babe, you should come over in real life."

John Dantzer said...

sybil - bears are the best, unless they are real, then they will probably maul you.

Bon - Sex with roommates would be a benefit. It would bring a whole new meaning to roommates. I agree with you on most parts of having roommates, Spider Angel, except for the talking about rain part. I can talk about rain for hours, days maybe.

JMH - Did he go through Deliver a Woman? I've tried that one once, but found the packaging they came in inhumane.