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A Voyage to the Fourth Level of Alternate Reality

I was picking my nose the other day, just having a good ol pick, just minding my own business and not paying much attention, when I tripped, and my finger went all the way up my nose and into my brain. I must have prodded a nerve, and as the result I saw Jesus.

He was with a bunch of ladies, and they all wore billowy material, and it was windy. Jesus made wave motions with his arms, and some kind of sound effect with his mouth. He moved closer towards me in bobbing motions, with his arms still doing the wave thing. I could see that his eyes were buggied, and there were crumbs in his beard.

Is this Jesus? Or a homeless man? We were on a beach and it was night. The waves crashed to our right. It could have been that I had woken them up from sleeping out here in the wind. Woken them up after an evening of debauchery and/or merry making. Jesus continued to advance, much like a man in the throes of tormented psychoses. I was getting ready to slap him, and maybe jab a finger into his buggy eye. I erected my finger and had it at the ready. I was thinking "Kapow, Kapow, kapow..." because that's the sound of impending fury. I thought of praying in my mind, for protection from crazy people, but in this case Jesus was right in front of me, and he was the crazy person, so I thought I'd just reason with him out loud, but no way could you reason with those buggy eyes, and wavy arms, and bird bobbing gait. Threats were my only option.

"Jesus! I'll poke out your eye. I'll poke it out!"

Jesus didn't seem to care. He continued to advance. I had no choice. His eye, being so big and white, was an easy target. He didn't even see it coming. He smelt of cabbage. My finger sunk into his eye socket, and I rammed it deep into his head, and I'd be lying if I said I didn't touch brain. Hoping to have quelled the situation, I thought I'd wake up on the floor of my room with my own finger lodged firmly into my nose while resting in a puddle of my own blood, but it were not the case. Instead, by prodding Jesus's Jesus Nerve I was sent to the third level of alternate reality.

I was now standing in a slow moving river. Or it may have been a pond. It was still dark out, and the water was black, reflecting only madness. Trees lined the banks of the water, but after having examined them more closely, and observing their irregular movement, I realized the trees were in fact some kind of monsters trying to act like trees. And something was slithering against my leg. I wore a daffodil print leotard. I knew I had to swim, but there was a current, however weak, and it was going against me. Meanwhile, the monsters continued to advance, some now in the water. They had sticks, and their eyes and noses were covered with impenetrable masks. I thought of jamming my finger in their ears. They looked like an easy target. But there were so many of them, and me in my leotard. I felt just then that I would be good at prancing. If only I weren't thigh deep in water. And the slithery thing was getting comfortable with my lily white legs. Where was Jesus now? And I imagined him to be on the beach with one fucked eye. I tried doing a walk, but that was even more horrifying than anything. It seemed as though the ground under the water was covered with clam shells.

The monsters continued to advance, their eyes glowing behind their shielded eyes. Did they know who they were dealing with? I didn't look like much in my leotard, but in regular apparel, it's apparent I wield a mean finger. As the nearest monster was in striking distance, I wound up and sunk my finger into his ear. He offered little resistance, as though it were a race amongst monsters to see who could get to me first. In fact, it looked like he liked it a little, like his eyes were glowing calmer. My finger sunk deep into the slime of his ear canal. Neither did the monster fall, nor was I transported. So I rammed deeper, using my other free hand to help with the ramming, but his ear, and it's winding tunnels, were too deep for me. Just when I thought I'd be spending an eternity here with the monsters, the one I had penetrated offered me his stick. I mumbled a thank-you, and rammed that in his ear. His stick was more like a wand: smooth, and sturdy. The wand had no trouble reaching it's target and lo, I was transported, to what I imagined had to be the fourth level of alternate reality.

I woke up on the floor of my room with my finger lodged firmly in my nose and my face covered with blood. There was uneasiness and pain and disgust as I pulled my finger from my nose. Of course it was bleeding. So I put some kleenex in there.

I'm writing this in the fourth level of alternate reality!!!

Everything seems normal enough, except when I want to say ketchup, I actually say banger. It has it's disadvantages. Hopefully that is the limit of weirdness for the FOURTH LEVEL OF ALTERNATE REALITY.

3 comments:

sybil law said...

That's some crazy shit.

Hope your nose is better! Sounds painful! If it's still bleeding, just insert a tampon - that's what doctors do.

Choirchick22 said...

This is why I never want to meet Jesus. Sounds like a crazy mother fucker.

Let this be a lesson. Always pick your nose sitting down. Or if you are like most people around my town, while driving.

John Dantzer said...

sybil - Tampon trick! I'll try that one. The blood will not stop. Also, you can superglue your wounds together.

Vicky - Everyone picks their nose while driving.