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Pick-up Lines

When selecting sites to lay my towel down at the local watering hole I tend to pick the spot with the highest concentration of hot, scantily clad ladies. Usually said ladies are with either their boyfriends, or with a group of men, and sometimes those men wield goddamned guitars. Sometimes they have drums. Usually I try to stay away from such groups since my pick-up lines have less a chance of being heard. For some, this would be seen as an advantage, since their lines will not be particularly good. It’s for this reason also you will find this particular person in the bar with the blaring music. But I craft my pick up lines like I craft my knitted sweatshirts as grandma taught. She also taught me my pick-up lines, may she rest in piece.

Today, one of the last hot days suitable for swimming, I spotted a woman with a black bikini on laying by the spot where people like to jump in. There were drum and guitar men there, but they were an acceptable distance away for my voice to be heard, and she was alone, which is kind of like a winning lotto ticket, except the ticket will probably not give you the syphilis. I had my pick-up line ready: “Hello, is it hot out here or is it just you?” This was Grandma’s favourite. She said it was the one which won her heart as spoken by Grandpa #4, who died twenty years ago, may he rest in piece.

To prepare for the line I did some calisthenics such as various arm swingings and neck rollings. I followed those up with a selection of jumps. I tried making sure she could see my fitness, even if only out of the corner of her eye; but with her sunglasses on, and her hat shielding her brow, I couldn’t tell if she was looking or not. I tried making random sounds while jumping to try to catch her attention and exercise my vocal chords, but neither did that raise an eyebrow. Just as I was about to lay down my line the hippies with the instruments started up, and contrary to my expectations, they were louder than I thought. My voice could not be heard over the din.

I surveyed the rest of the beach with my eyes, but I had already expended too much energy to try someone else. I would have to wait. I sat through a GreenDay cover, a Nickelback cover, two Bob Dylan songs, and one by Bob Marley. I thought they would never leave. As the 5 o’clock sun shone it’s ugly face the hippies packed up. Since that time, however, my limbs and chords had grown cold, and my warmup exersizes would have to begun anew. And during that time the water started speaking to me.

She said: "You don't need her, Jorg. You need me. You need a big bath of refreshing coolness."

All the talk of cooling was tempting since the only thing cold on me was my voice box, but maybe if I shouted a bit in the water that would help.

I couldn't just jump in, though. I had to do some warm up exercises. Maybe jumping in would impress her. And also I had another chance to show her my fitness.

So I made with the fitness and after many rollings and swingings, I went ahead and jumped in. The water was so cold I got a heart attack, and the by-law enforcers had to fish me out with a long sharp stick. The stick caused wounds which have yet to heal and I may require a tetanus shot.

The bikini clad lady, as it turns out, was an hallucination. The psychiatrist prescribed me with poison, which I refused to take, because after a bit of research, I have found out she is an alien.

It's only a matter of time before she is back on the mother ship, and I am back in the cradling arms of swinging bananas.


sybil law said...

God speed to those bananas.

John Dantzer said...

Haha! Bananas. You're bananas.

Asylum Dolly said...

:D This was a goodun. Your grandma sure does sound frisky.
You should go swimming with me; i will go jam with the hippies (ie. sneakily try to pick up) thus enabling you to make your move on the ladies whilst the hippies are busy trying to escape.
Those bananas sure do know how to swing! In the fruit shop the other day they were going at it like nobodies business. I had to avert my eyes! (ie. film secretly)

John Dantzer said...

If I'm swimming with you chances are you wouldn't have to try and pick me up or vice versa unless one of us kidnapped the other, but then our attempts would probably be futile, unless guns or drugs were involved, but that might get messy.

I love filming bananas!