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Moustache Required

"How about a puff on our tobacco pipes then Shmirler," Renaldo asks.

"How about it.  I do say.  An excellent time for the ole' pufferooski!"  Shmirler replies.

"Excellento! Especial!"

They both whip from their side fabric containers the box of pipes and tools to get their smoke on. It is a fine, complex process.  Shmirler assembles his pipe with expert dexterity, whilst Renaldo fumbles a bit with his.  He says it's because of the 'anti-coagulants' he uses to deter the tar, but Shmirler just rolls his eyes.

As one of the final steps before the ceremonial lighting, they both un-velcro the soft velvet flap in their boxes which reveals the 'Mandatory Moustache.'  Now, just because it is mandatory does not mean the moustache is threadbare, or dirty.  Quite the opposite.  A pipe smoking moustache, and it's appearance and quality are sources of pride amongst the pipe smokers.  Shmirler cleans, brushes and waxes his moustache everyday, and makes sure the sticky parts will not un-adhese to his upper lip or jowls.

Renaldo's moustache is so big - it takes up 9/10ths of his smoking box - and when he wears it at smoking parties, people all say, "There is Renaldo and his big moustache." And although they don't say it aloud, they say it with their feet and with their eyebrows, "His moustache is too big.  What is he compensating for?"

But Moustache judgement is not the main activity of pipe smoking.  They are glad just to share common ideals and values.  It is just like in life when people act on the outskirts of the parameters of normalcy, there will be more than one eyebrow raised, or purse protected.  A tiny moustache, for example, will be criticized for being 'Just a line'.  Indeed, some pipe smokers often play with the boundaries of moustache existence, or the meaning of a moustache.

Why, just the other week, Renaldo, the trouble maker, his moustache was at the cleaners, so, scamp that he is, he cut an electrical cord in three parts, and wore the middle section as his smoking moustache.

"That is not a moustache, Renaldo!" cried Devon.  "That is an electrical cord!  I will not have it!  Take it off and wash your face in the river!!!"  Devon was quite inflamed.

Renaldo took a few steps back and widened his eyes a little, "Not a moustache!" He said.  "Devon, of course it is!  It is acting as a moustache!  Of course it is!"

They both rolled the sleeves of their shirts up.

As you can see, there is a bit of artsing in our moustaches.  What is a moustache!?  and why?

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