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Mood Lighting with Bread

This ear thing is getting out of hand. It's happened before, the nurse told me to put some oil in my ear at night. I don't know what kind of oil, though, so I put olive oil in there. Then I'm reminded of how oil and vinegar don't like each other, and I figure some animosity might help things in the claustrophobic environment of my ear, so I thought I'd go ahead and put some of that in there too. Now random people are stopping by, settling in, and dipping bread in my ear while having great convos. I tell them I'm trying to sleep, but they don't care.

Another method for getting rid of wax is called ear candling. It's where you put the tapered end of a hollow candle in your ear and the flame draws air from the bowels of your ear, I guess, up the funnel of the candle, which helps clear the wax. Actually, ear candling doesn't help wax buildup much at all, as I later found out, but is meant only to warm the ear, which helps your well being, or so the Naturopaths say. Naturopath, by the way, sounds a lot like psychopath, and it could be true. It could very well be true: "Here, put this candle in your ear (tries not to laugh)"

"Oh. O.k., why?"

"It'll warm them up. You like being warm right? So do ears. Just do it. They cost $50."

And then you go home, lay down on the floor, put it in your ear, light it, and oh boy, if you don't look like the biggest freak. After it's burnt down a bit; after the ashes from it have burnt your face a little and some of your brains have been collected in the candle from the updraft, it starts looking like a stogie coming out of your ear. If you happen to be laying in a park homeless people will gather round hoping for a few pulls. If you happen to be laying in a golf course, yuppies will do the same.

"How'd you like some earwax in your lungs!" You yell, but no one pays attention to people with lit candles in their ears.

The candle does wonders for setting the mood. Now those people reminiscing about childhood and eating bread dipped in ear oil can get even cozier with the new mood lighting. They'll stay up all hours into the night. When one candle dies, they'll just light another.

"I have to work tomorrow!"

"Shush, you. Saucers/candle holders don't speak."

"But you're sitting on my bed!" Whereupon I'll receive a smack to the cheek.

I rolled up a yellow sticky note pretty small and rammed that into my ear canal. The nurse told me not to put anything in my ear ever, not even my finger, or q-tips. I am reminded of my dad who would make a pretty ridiculous face while jiggling around his pinky in his ear. He had a method to how it was done, apparently making the face was pivotal to not only the successful accomplishment of the technique, but also to your own well being. Something tells me he should have been a Naturopath. Anyway, the nurse would be less than pleased to see me with the yellow sticky in there. But it is seriously causing me to start losing my mind. Unfortunately the sticky trick only made matters worse. Fortunately I did not puncture my ear drum.   


Asylum Dolly said...

Oh man. You just keep getting funnier.And you keep having delicious things in your ear! This time olive oil and vinegar! What kind? balsamic? I just want to pick you up and hold you over my salad so bad.

My verification word is "ledishj", which, if spaced apart properly like so: le dish j, sounds like a french recipe concocted by someone who's name begins with "J"- in this case, you obviously. Word verification is so creative and clever! And now a french chef into the bargain! I think i'm developing a crush on Word Verification.

sybil law said...


John Dantzer said...

Bon - Thanks for the suggestion. I have quit my job as hedge trimmer and am now working as salad spritzer. No one seems to mind that the goodness is coming from my ear. I asked the chef if I could concoct something so that we could call it le dish j, but he isn't very enthusiastic about it. I will keep trying.

sybil- No ears were harmed in real life.

JMH said...

I value the pleasure of the Q-tip more than any harm it may cause. What? What did you say?

John Dantzer said...

My ear is an unexplored fountain of pleasure.