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Marking Territory

Some people save their pee in a pee bucket in the bathroom and get angry when a drunk person pukes in it right after she opens the lid and right after she asks what the bucket is for. It's to develop photographs the angry Chinese man yells before he pours it out onto the grass.

Some people save their pee in giant vats and use it to launder their clothes so that their body products don't go to waste. Those same people do that with their poo to fertilize their gardens, but that can only be applied in the winter, or if you freeze it first to eliminate any parasites.

Personally, I flush my poo down the toilet, but keep my pee in a cup on a desk and save it for weeks, like a male caribou does, but in his bladder, so that I can effectively mark my territory.

My friend wondered what the awful smell was, and grew disgusted to find out it was week old pee basking in the sun shining through my window. When I explained him the procedure he told me that women's noses aren't good enough to smell pee, and that even if they did they would think I was crazy/disgusting. He went on to say that women prefer the smell of Irish mist, or caverns full of flowers, or babies and that these scents could be purchased and applied to your person with a spray on applicator. I looked at him quizzically for a few minutes and then slapped him thrice in the face. He retaliated with the knife he kept in his jacket with a move he liked to call the "Butcher's Specialty", but he missed so I took the opportunity to knock him unconscious with a swift chop to the neck.

Tell me women don't like the smell of my pee, will you. I shook my fists at his body for a good five minutes, brought him to the gazebo, and positioned him on the recliner with remote in hand, so that when he woke up he would understand that there were no hard feelings. And so he could watch wrastling, his favourite show.

4 comments:

sybil law said...

Hahahaha
Oh, man.
Yeah - not a big fan of pee smell, but yours is probably pretty good.

Um, pretty sure I've never said that before.

Also, I know of a girl who saved her USED tampons in a bucket and would water her plants (like, tomato plants) with the bloody water.
Yep.
She's fucking gross.

John Dantzer said...

I've never had that said to me!

Eww, bloody tampon plant water. Sounds like my kinda woman... NOT!

JMH said...

Bloody tampon water? They call that medical waste where I come from. I come from a hospital, evidently. Hopefully she wasn't growing tomatoes or anything that wasn't put into a fish salad.

Good post. I wish there were blogs that wrote only about excrement, the fun adventures it provides, and the crazy/disgusting characters. There's so much figurative excrement out there and not enough literal.

John Dantzer said...

First part: ew.

Second part: Yes.