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Magical Mountain Adventure in Four Parts

Magical Mountain Adventure Part 1

July 1st

Today is the day, I’m off for my Magical Mountain Adventure. Blood like lead. Bones like cold steel. Confused and unprepared, I’m off. I’ll leave my watch at home.

July 2nd

Porcupines near my tent.

Poor vision is funny. Holding a can of bear spray at the ready, staring at a tree stump for ten minutes, seeing who will move first. It’s not a bear at all.

July 3rd

Overlooking Three Isle Lake. The sun shines it’s screwed up face through the fast moving clouds. All of them are objects or faces. They are all alive.

The flies and mosquitoes annoy me.

I’ve met Han from Japan. He also camps alone.

Camping near him are a youthful 60 year old couple. They have a dog named Stepper. I don’t like them.

Han studies economics at the University of Lethbridge. His english is sketchy. He’s been here for seven years.

Hitchhiking out here, a middle aged man picks me up, after waiting for about 5 minutes. He liked rock n’ roll. He kept the beat of the music on the steering wheel, I kept beat on the brim of my hat, which was in my lap. He wishes he could ride a motorcycle again. Maybe he will. I didn’t catch his name.

He dropped me off just past Grizzly Creek. I had my lunch there, the usual, flat bread, peanut butter, nuts. Then I walked and walked with my thumb out. I made a sign. 100 cars drove by. The sign did not help. Walking on the highway with a 50 pound pack is not fun. Then an off white BMW picked me up. I had visions of white. It was a well built Polish man who picked me up. He enjoyed saying “fuck” and threw that word into every sentence, sometimes twice!!! He liked talking about lifting weights and taking vitamins, but then again, who doesn’t!?!?!?!! He gave me some water. I accidentally left my water bottle in his car (but wouldn’t find out about that till later :()

We walked together for awhile, but me with my pack, I was too slow. He drove like an hour to go on this walk, so he was going to make the best of it, and we parted ways.

I’m sitting on a rock over looking a lake, listening to the bugs dive bomb my ears.

Magical Mountain Adventure Part 2

At a mysterious, abandoned cabin in the middle of woods and mountains. The only trails here were that of bears. A CABIN MADE FOR BEARS!?!?!!?

Haven’t gone in yet, will go in tomorrow. Maybe they have some good food in there (they will have pie filling, and some fucked up cheesy soup). I won’t snoop around much, though. There is a fire here, so I’ll cook my food on it. Char up my pot real good.

There is an outhouse here, so luxurious. It’s still bear country, so I’ll continue with my precautions.

I washed my clothes in the river and hung them up to dry. I stretched. It’s beautiful here. The mountains to the west.

Morning. Not a bad sleep. 4 mosquitoes in my tent. Partially cloudy skies. About to enter the cottage, however, there is a shovel blocking the door.

Shovel removed. Inside it’s dark and smells like dust. There is a big black stove. Pans hanging over top a window, with bottles on the sill. Next to that is an opened fridge. A message engraved in the wood on the wall, “Cabin built by Cody Tegart. June, 1979.” Then it says “Rebuilt by Donald, Joe, Andy, Bob, Doug, Randy Atwood, Ralph, Mel, Erwin, Cody, Dave”.

There’s a lot of forks and cups in here.

On the shelves there are many items of food in cans. I think I’ll sample the pork with beans and the cherry pie filling and the green beans. Yummy!

Now for the upstairs. Upstairs, there is one window, on a ledge next to it there are puzzles, “Donald Duck” books, “Back to the Top of the World,” and “Show Down at Pistol Flat.” And assorted magazines including a “Catholic Digest,” “Outdoor World”, and “Beautiful B.C.”.

There are foam mattresses laying to the side of the wall. Blankets draped up like walls around the rest of the room, making it hard to see. Some wooden beds.

I am sitting on a plastic chair about to cook my breakfast on a table in the kitchen. No wind! No mosquitoes! I think I’ll have oatmeal.

On the table very neatly arranged there is toilet paper, tooth pics, coffee and matches.

Oatmeal with honey, raisins, chocolate, milk powder and dried apples. I’ll leave all my used dishes here on the table until lunch time.

I just hit the jackpot! Marshmallows! And other packaged goods lay resting in a nearby locked cabinet. Goods with names such as “chedder and sour cream”, “Butter and herb”, and “Sour cream and chive.” All of this is bowel moving fun. Maybe I’ll drop off the kids in the outhouse!!!

Dropping that whammer made me think of the time at the cabin that one time when all of us got stung by wasps. I wasn’t wearing any undies, and I was convinced there was a wasp in my pants. I told my two older sisters about it, and my aunt, and my younger cousin, who were all standing there, so they said, “Take off your pants!!!” I hesitated a bit. They didn’t know I wasn’t wearing any undies. I dropped my pants, and there it was, my schlonger. Everyone stared. I concentrated only on letting the wasp escape. As it turns out, there wasn’t one. I was quite young, but still, there was my wang for everyone to look at. Oh well.

Before lunch. It’s very windy here and hot.

I think I’ll go for a run... and see how far Palliser is. Maybe there will be a bridge?

Magical Mountain Adventure Part 3

There is a hunting magazine here. Elk, moose, deer, goat heads everywhere. A man smiles widely in four poses of him with four different animals.

I hope to roast marshmallows tonight.

Looks like these people are running some kind of camp here. The guest book goes back four years. People from all over, Australia, Virginia, Pennsylvania. Wardens even signed the book. I wouldn’t want to stay here. One guy said he saw a grizzly and seven black bears.

People from Holland, Czech, Switzerland. They come out here just to hunt the bears. “In pursuit of the elusive grizzly”.

I have to pump some water.

My legs don’t feel like knots anymore. Big day of hiking tomorrow. I think I might be on the homestretch.

Marshmallow recipe:

Bring fire to glowing amber. Find stick, long, sharpen. Place mallow on end. Roast until a golden brown. Remove from heat. Remove from stick. Plug one end with a macaroon. Insert walnuts in center. Plug other end with another macaroon. Eat while hot and let melt in mouth. Feel the after effects in your stomach. Maybe you are dying? Toss and turn all night in your bed, and when you do sleep, get awoken by terrifying dreams. Question your existence. Is it worth it? Saw a lot of frogs on my way out here.

Magical Mountain Adventure Part 4

The scratchy throat, the runny nose, the sneezing, the aches in the morning. Symptoms of stress and you wanna go home. And brush your hair and take a shower and not fuck with a fucking small gas powered stove that wastes your fucking time and doesn’t cook food without burning your hair or having a fit. Fuck.

The 17th happening. Weird.

A day like any other. Packing my tent at 7:40 a.m. carefully selecting the nuts and dried fruit for my breakfast.

Crossing a river on a ferry. A man in a hurry picked me up. It was his duty to pick me up, apparently. A french man. A real nut bar. He tried passing a camper, and almost launched me through his front window with the pumping of the brakes. A car coming the other direction just barely smashed us.

I left him at the ferry line. He had to wait there.

Kaslo. Cheap hotels.

A white truck picks me up just passed there. A tree planter picks me up. He said he once planted 7000 trees in a day.

He dropped me off in New Denver. Thought the hotels would be cheaper there, as it turns out they’re not. So I hitchhike to Silverton. The cheapest hotel there has no vacancy, and there’s only two hotels.

So I hitchhike back to New Denver. Hitchhike back with a Painter, who just that morning smashed the window of his car in for reasons I didn't ask. Maybe he was angry.

“Looks like your car got hit?” I ask.

“No, I did that myself this morning,” he replies, as he removes the Mr. Noodles and the Zigzags off the passenger seat.

“Not having a great day?” I ask.

“I’m having a perfect day,” he replies with a psychopathic calmness.

I’d like to go to Nakusp, that’s where the real cheap hotels are. I could just camp again, but I’m sick of it.

The painter says, “I’ll give you a ride to Nakusp, if you pay for gas.”

“O.k.,” I reply. Maybe I was confused. I must have been confused, or not willing to part with my money. Or maybe I misheard him. I don’t know....

When he pulled up to the gas station, and asked for ten dollars worth of gas, and when the attendant filled it with ten dollars worth, and when the painter looked at me and asked for the money, well, I didn’t give it to him. I think I misheard him, or something. The painter didn’t like that too much, neither did the gas attendant. The painter didn’t have any money, so he drove away, saying he’d pay the attendant back later.

“Not cool, man. Not cool,” he says. By this time, he’s pulled his car over to the side of the road.

I tell him to look at the galaxy for help. To look at the constellations for an answer. I tell him this is the universe, and he should open his eyes and his heart.

“Open you heart, man. There’s a whole world out there we don’t even know about,” I says.

He waits a few seconds before accusing me of being a crazy, and asks me with his voice raised to get out of his car. Three dollars dropped out of my pocket sitting in there. I could have used that money for a slice of pizza or something. Instead it’s lost. So I leave his car and am now in the perfect place to camp. But I’ve had enough of camping and so get another ride back to New Denver, with another guy in a truck, with a barking dog in the bed. Pay for an overpriced motel and watch Poltergeist on t.v.


Anonymous said...

If we ever meet up let's go hunt us some bear. I hear the meat is delicious and the suet excellent chopped up for sausage and soap making.

But let's not eat the soap.

The hyde could be tanned and made into various sized loin cloths. Sold to Canadian cowboys to protect their precious loins during the arctic winter months.

John Dantzer said...


Let's only eat the soap if we have a case of the "cusses".

We'll hunt bear for sure. I don't know what suet is, but I'm sure it's great. And Bears Paw is good in soup. It gives us more stamina...