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Inner Beauty

Just wait, I have to search in my bag for something.  You don't mind, do you?  That aggressive thrashing sound and the panic in her movements.

I need to write something down and I think I lost my car keys.  Just wait, I think I found them.  Oh, here they are .  No need to worry.  I found them.  So where were we.  Just wait, I have a call coming in.  She pushes a button on the side of her head.  Yes?  Hello?  Yes this is Etoilnia, yes.  How are you?  Yes, I'm fine thank you.  OK.  Oh no. Oh dear god no!  Excuse me, she leans toward Howard. Do you mind holding this small rat like beaver for a few seconds, I have to go take this call in the bathroom.  Yes.  Yes.  Ok.

She walks off talking as though to air.  She passes people talking likewise.  Some are actually just pretending to speak to other people.  It is so easy to do nowadays.  You can sit there talking and laughing to yourself  and it's totes normal.

Etoilnia comes back and sits back down. 

There that's better.  Sorry I had to interrupt our convo.  As it happens my friend's lizard just died and he was calling to tell me about it.  The lizard died of stickyiosis, if you are interested.  It's when the lizard's eyes gets glued shut from some kind of fungus that is naturally produced in his retnas.  OK? 

She does not wait for a response.  She is terribly preoccupied.  Some thing is jingling in her bag and she searches frantically to find it.  Meanwhile, my testicles have also started jingling. 

Oh, please, Howard.  Can you please try and not do that in here?  You are ruining Schubert's good name.

My testicles play Schubert's piano sonata D.960.  Etoilnia listened to it during her labour and now when she hears it she gets labour pains.  Labour is when a baby comes out of your vagina.  Etoilnia shivers and does her best not to spew. 

Why am I here, she says and presses her index fingers to her temples inadvertently recording what she will say to anyone who wishes to listen.  Gregers Smellington will listen later on at night whilst drinking Amaretto.  That's alcohol made out of almonds.  It's very sweet and is served as an aperitif.  Gregers will waylay dinner and stare out at all those beautiful stars and violate himself whilst Etoilnia's voice is booming out over his Ranges on all 9 speakers.  He used to have 10 but he "accidentally" shot one.  It is better than shooting cans, or so he says. 

A lot of people don't like Etoilnia.  They say she is divorced form reality.  She says, "And reality doesn't even pay alimony."  No one ever laughs because it doesn't mean anything.  And she usually slurs it.  But she laughs.  She tilts her head way back so that if you happened to look at her just then you could see the inside of her mouth.  If you were a dentist you might be impressed or horrified at the size of her molars, depending on your proclivities toward molar size.  I myself like a rather large molar.  I think it means that if redible meat sources should ever disappear, then you could go back to eating roots straight from the ground, and miss nary a beat. 

It's true, a lot of people don't like her, but some people do, including myself.  She may not have the biggest breasts, or the roundest ass, but if you look a little deeper, like at the colour of her tongue, or underneath her nails, then you will see her true beauty.  Her "inner beauty". 

Howard, are you OK. 

Yes, thank you, I am fine.  I'm just enjoying my time here spent with you. Do you mind if I take your picture? 

Fine Howard, but please make it quick.  I have several thousand dollars worth of convenience store merchandise in my car and I can see a black man is about to steal it.  Can you see the black man outside?  

Howard looks toward the parking lot but all he sees are horses and trees.  Just horses and trees, Howard says and blinks his eyes capturing Etoilnia in one of her classic racist stares.

There.  Are you finished?  I have to go now.   Howard, mind yourself.  You're not as young as you used to be and if you are not careful you might get Gout.  Or worse, hemorrhoids.  She kisses Howard twice, once on each cheek, collects her particulars and storms the fuck off.  Howard will save the kiss mark on his cheek for many nights and try to abstract it into sound.  It will say... I forget, something about horses.

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