Grandpa

I do know how to swing the rope around. I learned that from my grandpa, who would swing the rope at everything because he was to lazy to get up. If he wanted some whiskey he'd lasso it. If he wanted a pen he'd lasso it. Everyone was impressed, especially in his later years when he was lassoing his dentures. He shrugged their admiration off. To him it was a matter of need. No one, he observed, admired his ability to pee twenty feet. In fact, to his astonishment, no one even wanted to see that.

Grandpa was always doing crazy things. He often threatened me with hanging if I didn't buy pot for him from the Mexicans. He said it was good for his health and that I should have some too. I had one some time -to see what all the fuss was about- and I couldn't agree more, it definitely had its therapeutic effects.

I never thought Grandpa would die. It wasn't till the spring of 03 that Grandpa would see his end. For a joke Fernando and I (Fernando was the dope fiend) put a bit peyote in ol' grandpa's weed. The idea was drug induced and brought tears to our eyes. If only we would have known the outcome, but we didn't, and we were falling over laughing as Grandpa lassoed the moving train while calling it his bitch.

The train dragged him over 500 miles through the cactus patch, the rock bed, the rock garden, the acid pools, the garden of flames, the smelly forest, the village of ten thousand tomato throwing pygmies, and finally Unpleasant County. We had to get his DNA tested, which was available from the state penn, to identify him. He was no more than a charred skeleton on a rope. For added humour, before Grandpa's demise that chilly spring morning, we tied one end of the lasso around Grandpa's foot... If only we could have known... If only we weren't high out of out skulls... if only, if only... True, I inherited Grandpa's Harley, and we sold his house and ranch for millions, and now I feast on the youngest lambs and live in a solid gold house, but nothing will make up for the loss of grandpa... except for maybe beer.