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Janitorial Closet

Due to the nature of my profession, I'm always mopping up puddles of pee.

I went to go see a show just recently and it was boring, so I took a trip to the bathroom. I noticed pee on on the floor. It was enough to make me sick. I searched out the janitor, I asked the concession stand worker, I asked the projectionist, and the manager. They all gave me answers unfit to my queries. I had no choice but to kick the janitorial closet down and fill up the mop bucket. I cleaned up the piss real good, and have been going to shows every night to do the same. The manager has taken a liking to me, so now I get paid. I spend my money on treats, mostly chocolaty ones but sometimes also salty ones. Sometimes I attach my mouth to the bottom of the chute of candy and add quarters so that I can waylay the time the candy does not spend in my mouth and eventually: my brain.

In two and a half hours it will be my bed time. This gives me just enough time to eat a snack, go to the show, do some mopping, have a shower and get back to the house in time to watch JAG. My wife thinks I'm crazy.

Sometimes when I'm feeling randy, I dunk her hair into the mop bucket and mop up the kitchen with her. She pretends not to like it, but secretly I know she enjoys being a mop. Sometimes I catch her in the closet when I return home from work and I see her handling the broom as though it were her lover. At those times I really have no choice but to fill up the mop bucket.

We're all a little bit weird, though. I'd be lying if I said I didn't have feelings for vacuum. She sure does suck.


dogimo said...

Well-crafted absurdism like I like it!

I hate to say this, but there's something kind of parallel-universe hot about know what, sometimes "I hate to say this" is as far as it needs to go.

Asylum Dolly said...

mmm, chocolatey treats!
This was a funny story-also nice in a way, because i enjoy reading about men who clean.Even if it is made up, i still like to tell myself that there are men out there that like to clean.It's actually a bit of a turn-on for some unexplained but probably perverted reason. Don't you dare judge me!!!!
But seriously, this reminds me of a few years ago when i frequented pubs with my bitches. One night the line into the ladies room was too long, and i was so desperate for a pee (sorry-overshare,but i do like to share) that i decided to trespass into the mens room.Well.The fucking floor was COVERED in piss.Some of the guys looked at me funny, while most were too drunk to care, as I stood, aghast, staring at the pissy floor. My horror was only worsened by the fact that a guy i knew was in there, and tried to start a friendly conversation with me. i couldn't concentrate on what he was saying because i could feel the hems of my pants soaking up some of the floor piss, and i was trying not to vomit. I had to politely excuse myself from the conversation and escape, back into the safety and cleanliness of the ladies room.
I will NEVER try that again.

Hey, there is NOTHING wrong with hiding in the closet and getting freaky with the broom. We've all done it.
(well not me, but I've heard )
And i don't blame you for feeling attracted to Mrs. vaccuum. She's a hot bitch. And clever. I learned everything i know from her. And yes, that means exactly what it sounds like. I eat dust like a pro, and will leave your loungeroom fucking spotless. Awwww yeah...

(sorry for that whole comment O.o I forgot my medication again)

John Dantzer said...

Joe- Thanks!
Sometimes less is more.

Bon- That was a great comment! Almost a post by itself! Did you also learn rug cleaning from the vacuum?
My old roommate told me that whenever he got mad at a bar he would piss all over the bathroom for some reason. I've never done that and didn't understand why. And guys pee all over the toilet seat too. That pisses me off no pun intended lol. Some guys don't lift up the lid because they think they have good aim. I hate them. I always lift the lid. Some guys are afraid of standing in pee, so they stand further away from the urinal and just push harder, but it never all gets there and more pee is created, so that by the end of the night guys are standing out of range of the toilet, but are giving it all they have anyway. Puddles of piss are just gross.

Asylum Dolly said...

Well now i understand why there was so much pee...Ewww! Thankyou for enlightening me!
I forgot to learn rug cleaning from vacuum, but i DID learn my times tables from vacuum, which explains why I suck at mathematics.Ho ho, me so funny. I learned humour from vacuum too evidently.

sybil law said...

Reminds me of being called a Hoover at some point (as in the vacuum and not the Dam).
Wait - that WAS a compliment, at the time. :)

kylie said...

Oh my, silly. :)

John Dantzer said...

Sybil- That's crazy! You must have had quite a reputation. I'm glad it wasn't the Dam. No one wants to be known for their water retention capabilities.